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22 May 2005 @ 02:02 pm
IN PROGRESS: totums  
When I was about six I had amassed piles of plush animals. I never really took to dolls, but I loved my stuffed animals. I would talk to them, play with them, hug them, sleep with them. When I was afraid or anxious about the dark of the night; I would encircle myself, (a hedge with no gaps), with my animals for safety.
Over the years I have identified/obsessed, what have you, with different animals. I imbued them with magical powers to protect and comfort me. Totems.

The first that I remember was the raven. Crows were common where I live but not ravens. The first time I remember seeing a raven was in a cage somewhere. It's size and presents made an impression. I was thirteen or fourteen at the time. So, I identified/obsessed, what have you, with the raven. In the ninth grade,in my hippie-dippy school, I went by the name of Raven. I think I was looking to this amazing bird for a place in the universe.

My husband reminded me of an earlier animal; the bee. All through grade school (kindergarten to 12th grade) I was a terrible student. I was a day-dreamer, I was anti-social, I never knew what was going on in class, I didn't know how to study and I was alway tired. One day in sixth grade, I came in from recess and found a dead honeybee on the windowsill by my desk. (Why did they put a day-dreamer by the window? who the hell knows?) For the rest of the class I looked at the bee. It was a beautiful and amazing thing. I started reading everything I could find on bees. My teacher pretty much just left me alone when I was reading. She and my mother were just relieved I was studying something. The beautiful bee gave me focus.

My teens and twenties were utter chaos and anxious. I went looking for love in all the wrong places. One of those places was a religion that is a lot like a used car dealership; they promise you one thing, at a very good price (love, joy, family); you take home something quite different (fear, guilt, isolation). Another place was in a marriage to someone I neither loved nor felt passion. This period lasted for 12 long years, (the marriage was for the last 5 years of that period). In that time two animals worked their way into my life. The rhino and the bear. I had just been made aware of the rhino at this time, but he wouldn't play a major role in my life until later.

to be continued...